Connect with your Spouse at the Heart Level

I woke up this morning and one of the first thoughts that popped into my head was connecting with my spouse and how there are so many missed opportunities. I realized in my selfish ways that I am not taking the time and using the skills that Jesus often demonstrated in connecting with people or my spouse.  As a husband or wife we are supposed to be winning our spouse’s heart for Jesus. We are supposed to not only show love, demonstrate love, be love but we are supposed to become love. We are called and obligated to win the hearts of our spouses every time we communicate with them. We are to explore and in union know, really know, their heart’s – motivation, thought process, instincts, and imagination deep workings as we live life with them.

We do, in my opinion, a terrible job of responding to a thought that is being shared by our spouse. We often start a conversation about the topic of the thought versus the root cause of how the thought arrived in our spouse’s mind. We start by giving our opinion and why we have our opinion about the thought. We continue with our response by even providing our own contradictory points and offer those up to our spouse to consume. We think we are helping or having a deep conversation, but how can it be a deep conversation when the heart is not involved? We think by debating the topic and making assumptions as to why our spouse is having the thought is a form of intimate conversation. This approach often ends in disconnection, disagreements and some discomfort for the spouse who shared the thought in the first place.

When a thought is shared, your spouse is looking for a welcoming and listening ear to join them in how their thoughts are forming who they are. Your spouse is looking for someone who is skilled in “hugging” their information that they are willfully sharing. Your spouse would love to hear your opinion but not before they feel like they were “hugged” along the process. When they let you into their head by sharing their thoughts, they would like to feel like you are honored to be let in and as a result they feel cherished. Your spouse wants to feel like they can open up to you without any condemnation, judgment or conflict arising because they are thinking maybe outside your “box” – way of thinking or reality.

How do we get to the heart of the person when they voluntarily share a thought? I am glad you asked. This morning I was privileged to observe a spouse sharing a thought with their spouse and the reaction was what you and I most often do. They responded by giving their opinion and made a statement that contradicted the thought and conclusion the other spouse arrived at. So let’s go deeper and break it down even more. The statement was “I woke up this morning thinking that we often missed the opportunity to connect with our spouse when a thought is shared. We respond that it often ends in more disconnection than more intimacy.” As a result, the very topic that I am writing about today. I am responding in writing to what was said versus responding to the thought and the process of the thought. We do a good job at responding to the person when we are dating but then after we get married we forget to respond to their heart. The other spouse responded by stating that we do not do a good job when we were dating at responding, we just had more grace while we were dating versus now that we are married there is very little grace. Firstly, the spouse who responded is one thousand percent right! However, did you hear the contradiction? 

Now, under normal circumstances the response would be great, however, if Christ has changed us to be Love and we are supposed to be winning the hearts of our spouse for Jesus, we have to go deeper every time we respond. The other spouse could have started by removing themselves from the situation, as stated in Galatians, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20). Written by Paul to help understand that once we give our lives to God, we no longer are as important or privileged as we thought we were but it is all about Christ in everything that we say and do. Second, the responding spouse could have asked a question like, how did you arrive at this thought? In the same way Jesus did, Jesus used an opportunity to encourage and exhort Peter about his upcoming responsibilities by asking Peter, “Do you love me?” three times. Encourage, Encourage, we can never do too much of this. We know that our spouse struggles in life and it helps to know that there is someone always on our side. Third, the responding spouse could use the opportunity to comfort their spouse and offer reassurance that they are cherished and valuable to them and that they are here to help. As stated by Jesus, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid”( John 14:27). He reassured us that he was not leaving us without help but that we would not be alone!

Calling all fellow Love-Seed-Throwing Disciples, today do not miss the little opportunities to connect with your spouse and win their hearts every day. If we are to be followers of Christ then we need to follow his example. Your spouse is your neighbor and the two (2) greatest commandments, according to Christ himself, is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. We do very well at loving ourselves; we are selfish and are very much in love with our ideas and our ways. Why not fall in love with your spouse’s ideas and ways of thinking? This does not mean agree with everything, just love the fact that they have ideas and they are a Child of God. Also if we all struggle to love with all our hearts, minds, and souls, why not be the catalyst that would help your spouse accomplish this every day? This does not mean telling them what to do but validating, encouraging, and loving them. They will experience something different than what they experience from the world!